Con Law/ Oscars Review

Dear Bloggers,

Tonight's blog will be reviewing the con law brief from hell and of course, the Oscars.


Con Law

To those of you in my Con Law section: Congratulations! Most of us are done! For those of you still stressing, don't. From here on out it's a win-win situation. Either your brief wins and you get the opportunity to argue in front of some judges and practitioners, a  grade bump, and of course food/drinks with Hanna. If you lose you get to sit back and relax while your classmates piss themselves in this video-recorded argument.

Now on to more important matters: The Oscars. In your celebrations of the brief being done, many of you may have missed the Oscars. Don't worry, I got your back.



Oscars Review

So for those of you who missed the Oscars, here are the high (and not so high) lights

Seth McFarlane

Ok,so I was pretty excited when I heard he was hosting. I've always been of the opinion that the Oscars substantially lack humor (see what I did there). Seth MacFarlane, I thought might be the answer. Not so much.
Overall rating: mehh

Highs: 

We saw your Boobs
J-Law is the best part.

Recognizing Ben Affleck's Oscar Snub for Best Director:
"..so secret the academy doesn't even know the director's name" ( something like that)

Boy Wizard and Girl Vampire Intro- Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart

Introducing the Von Trapp family from Sound of Music only to have  Nazi soldier appear and announce the family has left (just like in the movie)

Referring to Best Actress nominee, 9 year-old Quvenzhané Wallis, told the other nominees that getting nominated for an Oscar is something "a 9 year-old can do"

Lows:

When discussing the extreme violence and womanizing in Django "or for Chris Brown and Rihanna, date night"- this earned him quite a gasp from the crowd but not as bad as the next;

"the only actor to really get into Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth" - the crowd was mostly silent, littered with a few gasps.
" 150 years and still too soon" McFarlane quipped.

McFarlane then took a stab at George Clooney- announcing nine year old Quvenzhané Wallis had "sixteen years until she's too old for George Clooney."  Clooney didn't look amused but McFarlane threw him some whiskey which he appeared to be opening as the camera left him.


Fashion

Normally I don't care much about fashion but there were some noticeable ensembles.

Highs:

Jennifer Lawrence- JLaw dazzled in a stunning white Dior dress. She looked flawless. The dress proved challenging to walk in when JLaw tripped and fell on the stairs leading up to the stage, but let's be honest: it just made us love her more.

Halle Berry- So Halle doesn't really count. Of course she looked amazing but let's be real: Halle Berry is not actually a human being. At least that's my theory. I mean the woman has not aged at all in 20+ years. Sure she may have a good surgeon, but there's only so much a surgeon can do (look at Joan Rivers or Heidi Montag). Halle not only looks natural, but like she's 25. It's not normal. I don't know what species she belongs to but I need to find it and pray they adopt me.

Jennifer Garner- beautiful dress, beautiful hair. Simply glowing as her husband's Argo won a bunch of awards.

Ben Affleck- I know Seth told you that he thought your beard was a Kardashian finally making it to the movie industry (miss), but I think you looked Sexy, rock that beard Ben! (cause he totally reads my blog).

Channing Tatum- duh.

Amy Adams- gorgeous

Kerry Washington- her dress was flawless. Seriously, google it.

Corrine Foxx- Jamie's daughter is grown up and totally stunning.

Jessica Chastain- really pretty.

Lows:

The woman who won best makeup or costume (we don't remember) who was wearing PINK LEGGINGS. To. the. Oscars. Really? pink leggings are almost never acceptable. Very few people in
very few situations can pull off pink leggings and she was not one of them, and the Oscars will never be the place. Ever.

Anne Hathaway- the "darts" on her dress. I legitimately thought they were her nipples but was corrected by my mother who insists it was an unfortunate dress placement. Still think she went braless but either way...not pleasant.

All the Directors/Writers with really long gray hair- is this a new trend?

K-Stew- but we'll get to her.


Performances

Highs:

Barbara Streisand- decent


Seth McFarlane- voices
a little slanted- sorry

Here's to the Losers
Self Explanatory

Lows:

I know I'll get shit for this one. Adele- of course her singing was amazing but when is it not? I know her voice is incredible but her music is all starting to sound the same. Her performances are boring and Skyfall really isn't great. It's no Set Fire to the Rain.


Awards

Highs:

Best Supporting Actor- Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained
He really was awesome.

Argo- Best Film
Not only was it presented (via tv) by Michelle Obama, but Ben's speech was truly touching. "You gotta get up" he says of his past failures (through tears).

Best Actress- JLaw
I haven't seen Silver Linings Playbook (yet!) but I love love love Jennifer Lawrence. Her reaction to "We saw your boobs" was priceless and her speech thanking the crowd for her standing ovation ("I know it was just because I fell which is so embarrassing") Something like that...
Anyway she is amazing. And fat actress? Really? JLaw is flawless and if she's fat, then just call me Moosica from now on.


Lows:

Ben Affleck not getting Best Director- or even nominated. Snubbb


Kristen Stewart

My hatred for her has earned KStew her own category. Tonight I direct this review to her staff:

Stylist:
Show that girl a hairbrush! We all have bad hair days but come on, it's the Oscars! Get it together.
The dress- not as bas as usual but again, not fitted in the chest area. she always does this- wear a dress that your boobs fit into! they aren't big enough for the one's you're wearing! (sorry, rant)

Publicist:
Since none of her performances were nominated for an Oscar (though she swept the Razzies), presenting was a good opportunity to try and rebuild her rep. Instead, KStew stuck to her awkward in-pain looking mode of speech coupled with her usual vacantly irritated expression. Why is her publicist not telling her to f**king smile?!?! Be friendly?! Look human for once! It's bad enough she ruined the heroin of what was actually an incredible book series. God, she sucks (end rant, almost)

And really Rob- You can do better. You proved your talent as Edward, Cedric, and Tyler (Remember Me). Not that looks matter but you're winning there too. Why do you need her cheating-talentless ass?

Officially ending my KStew Rant.

Lastly I want to recommend some Oscar movies you may have missed cause you're a law student:
-Silver linings playbook (haven't seen it yet but it looks so good)
-Life of Pi (looks good, but i think the Tiger dies so I won't watch it)
-Lincoln (Cynthia says it's amazing)
-Django Unchained (if you can handle the brutality- so epic)
-Brave (Cynthia said it was really good)
-Wreck it Ralph (really good)
-Argo (how have I not seen it yet?)